Strategies Of Communication~
A Woman's Point Of View

The different forms of communication between men and women tend to progress in stages as we mature. Younger men will always use their choice of words to get their way, and younger women will undoubtedly get caught up in their manipulation. At first we submit because we're not taught in the methods of "what he says, is not what he means." It's a hard-ball game that men try to perfect and women figure out as time goes by. There are exceptions, and women can manipulate men just as easily. It has been this way since the  beginning and I doubt if it will change anytime soon.

After being married, I learned the hard way, as a lot of women do. I fell for all the control tactics his mouth could dish out until eventually I became his maid, cook and an 'obey-er,' rather than a 'we will grow together' partner in the game of love and marriage. As years went by, I found myself with no career, no skills, nor was I allowed to pursue any interests of my own.

Now that I am a fully functional divorcee' and well educated in the manipulative forms of male communication, my new partner is bewildered when I take his technique of carefully chosen words and render them useless. That's why older men usually walk around with either a scowl on their face or the look of confusion. Their conventional way of communicating is no longer effective and they are lost. Well---at least until they develop other forms of manipulation---I mean, communication.

It's important for women to learn the two strategies that men use as a desperate attempt to keep the control tactics going. The first one is guilt---"It's all her fault," and the other is stupidity---"I don't know how." These come with various degrees of intelligence, but nonetheless, they all work toward accomplishing the same thing---the betterment of only themselves. Why is it this way? Because men lack understanding. Women are born with it, men are not. But I must clarify that intelligence and understanding are not the same thing. You can be extremely intelligent and have absolutely no understanding whatsoever. Understanding is part of a woman's nurturing side. When we're young, it's our downfall and men are happy. When we mature, we learn that understanding someone does not mean to submit to them. It means to decipher, to clarify the problem and to decode its meaning. In time, we stop giving in to the constant needs of others and the tables are turned.

My boyfriend Ron, has tried to no avail, to use his strategy of manipulating how I should feel and how I should live my life, which means doing for him and being there for him without regard for myself.  If I submit to that, my life becomes secondary. It's not all their fault though. After all, it is our choice if we let them or not and it's too bad for Ron that I have a well-developed understanding of male communication, because now all he can do is stay confused. Of course, being the intelligent creature that he is, (he has a PhD) he will always try another tactic to get me to do something he does not want to do. Do I submit? Absolutely not! I decode! To decode, you have to remember the two strategies men use, which are guilt and stupidity. . . .

A couple of weeks ago Ron said, "Sweetheart, how many work clothes should I wash? (There's the stupidity). My answer was, "All of them." He then hangs his head and looks pitiful, making sure this display is in full view for me to see. (There's the guilt). To decode his question, let's go inside the mind of this intelligent creature and see what he really meant to say. . ."Sweetheart, (yeah right) will you wash my work clothes for me?" When I don't submit, that gives him less control and I have more time for myself and other chores that have to be done. But is he finished? By no means! For instance, one evening after dinner he said, "Honey, (he called me Honey) do you want me to take out the garbage now?"  My answer was, "No, don't take it out now. Wait until the maggots move in, then see if you can beat them to it."

Again, let's go into the mind of Dr. Ron and decode his form of communication. . . ."Ok, I don't want to take out the garbage, so I'll sweet-talk her by calling her 'Honey,' and then I'll act like I'm too stupid to know when to do this chore. Since she is an intelligent and understanding woman, she'll feel sorry for me and do it herself." But again I did not submit and out he went with the trash (so to speak).

For a long time I had been thinking of going to college and finally decided to do it. I knew that it would be difficult because I had been out of school for almost thirty years and had to change a few things at home to help me in this transition. The difficult part would be to get Ron to adjust to the  changes he was about to face. I sat him down one evening and told him that I was going to college. I also explained that since I had not been in school for almost thirty years, this would be quite a challenge for me and I would need his help making this transition. Ron was so happy for me! He was excited that I was on the right path to fulfilling my dreams and more than willing to make adjustments until he found out exactly what one of those adjustments was. I told him there was only one thing I wanted him to do---cook for himself on the days I was at school. His answer was, "I don't know how." (Here we go again). My answer was, "I'll teach you." Well, that was a flop, so I went to the store and bought $300.00 worth of "Hungry-Man" meals he can just throw into the microwave. That proved to be more of a challenge than I expected. His form of communication called stupidity, increased. I went over the directions with him again. "You poke holes in the cellophane so the meal doesn't blow up because hot air expands, and then you microwave it on full-power." I showed him what was meant by 'full-power.'  I thought the problem was solved being a woman of intelligence and understanding until the day before my first class began. Ron asks, "What will I eat at work when you're at school?" My answer was, "Anything you want."  To decipher his stupid question, what he really meant was, 'What will you cook for me to take to work before you go to school?' He was hoping I would say, "Don't worry about that, you pitiful thing. I'll get up extra early and cook you a meal fit for a king before I leave in the morning." Instead, I told him that he either microwave his own meals or starve.

Things settled down for a while until one weekend when it was his turn to cut the grass. So I reminded him. I said, "Ron, you need to cut the grass." Suddenly, his form of communication called stupidity, blossomed to its peak. Within moments, he was heading toward the door with a pair of scissors in-hand asking me, "How short do you want it?" I refused to submit to this, so I told him, "I want it so short that when an ant crawls over a blade of grass he doesn't even have to lift his leg." Again, we will go into the mind of this intelligent man with his immense lack of understanding and clarify what he really meant. . . ."I do not want to cut that grass! This is the worst thing that she could possibly unload on me. I'll have to do something drastic to get out of it. I know!!! I'll act so stupid and helpless that she'll get really mad and tell me to forget it, then she'll do it herself!"

Fortunately for women, there is another form of communication called Behavior Modification. This works well on both men and children. (Same difference). It doesn't require a lot of words but it does require bit of consistency, and just as important, it must have a consequence to fit the stupid behavior they display. Ron did not understand why he couldn't wash his white socks and underwear with his dark shirts and slacks. I gave him two reasons--- One, the white lint will be all over his dark clothes and two, the colors will run and his white socks and underwear will be tinted. These reasons  weren't good enough because he has no understanding. That left me with no other choice but to use behavior modification. I had to 'show' him why, and by doing that, there were consequences he had to face. I put two of my shirts (that I had previously dyed a maroon color) into the washing machine and washed them in hot water with every white sock and underwear he owned. That week he wore pink socks and underwear until finally, he had no choice but to wash all his whites in bleach to get the tint out, which was how he was supposed to wash them in the first place!

Ron and I have been together five years, this month. He has learned how to microwave his own food, wash his own work clothes separate from his white socks and underwear, take out the garbage before it overflows, clean up whatever he spills on the floor instead of leaving it there hoping the dog will do it for him, cut the grass with a lawn mower and more importantly than anything else, he throws out the cardboard tube from an empty roll of toilet paper and replaces it with a new roll. I could explain how I used behavior modification to show him why we need to replace the empty roll of toilet paper, but I'll skip that part. I will tell you though, that he sat in that bathroom for a long time trying to figure out what to do next.

Men and women are different. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. Our wants and needs are not the same and it takes a lot of work and dedication to keep up with all the strategies of communication. Women need to hear and understand what is really being said, then learn how to respond so we can contribute to the relationship without being taken advantage of. That goes for friendships and even co-workers as well, but when couples react in such a way as to strengthen and support each other, then that kind of communication is called "love."

© Copyright Cheryl Taul
September 2001

"When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to guarantee them."
Charles De Secondat Montesquieu-(Baron de la Brede et de)
Born near Bordeaux, January 18, 1689---Died in Paris, February 1755