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"What If ?" It happened on a day that I was praising God, full of joy, singing my heart out to Him and having faith in all my hopes and dreams. Nothing could quench them, so I thought. I was completely unaware and unprepared of the fiery arrows that were about to be shot at me.
I walked to the office that day
with a check to pay our rent. We had never been late on rent before. No, never.
Ron's
paycheck was going to arrive in our bank account as a direct deposit
the next day, so I wasn't worried. I knew it would take the office
over a week to post it, but something began to weigh heavy on me as I
walked back home from the office and by the time I
stepped into the house, my joy was gone. It was a sick, heavy feeling that had
suddenly come over me. I thought to
myself, "What if they run the check and find out that the funds are not there?" They would call
us. We would be counted
as 'late.' We would have to pay a late fee. Our perfect rental record would go
down the tubes. What if? What if? What if?"
In no time at all worry seeped into my mind and my joyful mood turned into fear
and dread. The worst thoughts began to
plagued me and I lost all hope. It seemed a bit obsessive because nothing had
yet happened to confirm my fears, but still, my A secular psychologist would have said, "Well, that is known as clinical depression." But it was not clinical depression. I do not have clinical depression or any other type of emotional 'illness.' It was clearly a satanic attack that was brutal. The arrows kept coming the rest of the day and night from one source or another. There was another attack on me through email and anything else the enemy could use to destroy me. "How could my faith fail so easily? What if I'm really not saved?" The dreadful 'what-ifs' continued on. I was in such despair that I didn't even recognize a spiritual battle was being fought. I have the Holy Spirit in me, so why couldn't I clearly see what was happening? I believed the 'What ifs' and mistook it for truth. I did not go to the Word of God and confirm it and the darts kept coming. I thought to myself, 'God has turned His back on me.' That was a thought thrown at me by the enemy, then immediately another thought counter-acted it....'Jesus is interceding for you now.' I was so angry at God I said, "If you have discarded me, then you don't even honor your Son's prayers!" Later that day I went to church. With all the feelings I was being hit with, I still went to church but before I could enter the sanctuary, I burst into tears so hard that I almost dropped into a heap on the floor. I ran down the hall and got into the bathroom and cried it out until I could stop crying long enough to get back to my car. Eleven o'clock that evening I felt this over-whelming need to call a Christian friend. As I walked over to the phone another dark thought was shot at me, "You can't call her. Her phone was disconnected because she didn't have the money to pay the bill. God hasn't helped her either." Jesus interceded and spoke to my heart and said, "Call her cell-phone." So I dialed the number hoping she was not asleep. Since she is a night-owl like me, I decided to chance it. She answered. I hardly said a word when I heard her say, "Cheryl, what's wrong?" The only words I could get out of my mouth were, "I don't know." She spoke and I listened and before I knew it she had gotten me to open up and tell her the whole story. Very gently she asked me a question...."Cheryl, did you know the first question asked in the Bible was from Satan?" I answered sarcastically in anger and tears, "Yeah, so!" She told me to open up my Bible to Genesis Chapter 3, and she read out loud. . . ."Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, "Did God really say, 'You must not eat from any tree in the garden'?" For a moment she was silent and then said, "Cheryl, when that thought came into your mind, 'What if they run that check?' .....that was where he got you. He used that question to begin putting fear into you. That was not your thought. Suddenly I understood and as she counseled me over the next hour and we talked back and forth and the attack began to lift. By the time we were through talking I was able to eat and strengthen myself. I was able to sleep that night. Jesus had put me back in my rightful place with Him, emotionally, spiritually and physically. I was whole again. I asked God to forgive me for doubting Him, distrusting Him, and for making that remark about Him not honoring His Son's prayers. I knew that I was instantly forgiven and I didn't give it a second thought.
"Be angry, and do
not sin": Do not let the sun go down on your wrath." (Ephesians 4:26) The next day I asked Jesus why I doubted Him so easily. His answer was, "You must take Me at My Word."
© Copyright Cheryl Taul |
